We are finally on the road to California (okay, so we are here now since this was mostly drafted 20 days ago!)
It feels like a dream actually…we set this intention to move our lives to our favorite place to visit since long before I had ever even been here! The dream was born out of an escapist mindset I admit, my young “run away” mentality that was seated in fear and disguised as adventure but has since changed and evolved into the love seeking, life building “create the life you want” journey that we are on now. I’m actually so surprised at how well the trip is going. We’ve come up against challenge after challenge but press on we must.
Our biggest challenge so far (and by “so far” I assumed that I would have this written before we actually got here and experienced a ton of OTHER challenges! Hahaha, doh!) has been our finances. Three years ago, after a trip to my home state of Colorado with my Momma, I was beginning to itch to see the world. I wanted to meet new people and be exposed to new ideas. I wanted to see new ways of being that I believed would help in growing my mind and heart. For me, this is the meaning of life. Growth. Yes, you can grow anywhere but for me personally a pretty place connects me to the earth and ultimately, to my God. So, that’s where this intention started. I remember the day. I follow this beautiful yogini on Instagram, Rachael Brathen and she lives in Aruba. Yoga on an island every single day?! Holy hell, YES I want that!! And I just remember saying to myself, “why not me?!” Jesse, my husband is the practical one in the relationship and his simple answer was, “well, because we are in debt.” Hahah! It was true. We both grew up in poverty and had fallen into the credit card scheme as soon as we were able to sign a legal document as a way of alleviating the pressures of life. Out of that simple understanding, another intention was born…to get our finances straight, to live within our means and to stop spending unnecessary money on THINGS.
Material items were my prison. For a very long time I had a server job where I would walk home with cash in hand every night. Naturally, the next day on the way to work I would find a reason to stop and spend what I had made the evening before, whether it was new make-up or a new dress for my shift, or even food out, it didn’t matter, I would find a way to blow the money. Ironically, I couldn’t afford the rent I owed or the payments to anything I needed to maintain my lifestyle…but who cares! My nails were done and I had every THING I wanted.
The illusion was that being able to buy what I wanted when I wanted was my freedom but the truth was quite a different discovery. Material items didn’t make me a better person, they didn’t make me cooler or more accepted by my friends, they didn’t give me love or fulfill my heart in any way. My new clothes or car didn’t hold or comfort my heart or grow my mind. Even though it felt like that at the time and I received quite a “high” from this behavior. I realized that I had quite an unhealthy attachment to stuff. So, Jesse made a spreadsheet of our outgoing money and our incoming money and we have been following it ever since. The simple lesson I have learned in that spreadsheet is that through discipline we find freedom. It was hard. Like really fucking hard. I’m a spender. I fight boredom by walking around in stores filled with pretty things. I like to surround myself with those pretty things and where once I was purchasing them every single day, I have learned how to curb my behavior and change my thinking. I started spending my time outside in nature, spending time with family and filling my time with things that fill up my heart instead. Spending unnecessary money was a habit that died so hard. I can’t tell you all the days and nights of rationalizing my emotions. Especially since right around this time I had also quit my job to pursue my true purpose which I hadn’t even discovered yet. I just knew it wasn’t sitting in the bottom of my closet crying because I didn’t have a new outfit for date night. That was not the person I wanted to be in this world, it was not the person I wanted to portray or the being I wanted to emanate. In fact, it was quite frankly, embarrassing!
In order to have this dream come true, or any of my dreams for that matter, this behavior had to die. And so it did. With the endless help of my loving and supportive husband who is always willing to be my sharp edge, we learned a new way. A way that would put us on a path to be able to manage our finances in a way that we didn’t feel like we were drowning all the time. We were willing to set an intention and live by it. We were willing to grind and grind, our beings and each other and our patterns and behaviors every single day, etching out this life from the formless stone that we were born as until we are a stunning sculpture of the life and relationship we have always wanted.
It was never easy. It will never be easy. Having the life of your dreams does not just happen, you have to be willing to go against the grain and believe when every one else giggles at your attempts. Finances was not the only challenge in this journey to our dream of living in California, and it won’t be the last one we face. You get the life you deserve. What you are willing to actively put into life, you will get back. People always make off handed comments about how lucky we are with the “why not me” tone in their voice, not only in this move but also when I quit my job to pursue my purpose and at a million other amazing things that we have been able to enjoy along the way and I always politely nod my head and speak of how grateful I am for everything this life has offered. But the truth is it was never easy, and the reality is that those people were’t there when we sat and cried together Jesse and I, or when we dreamed together and those people were’t willing to put the intention and good energy out there in spite of the challenges of any of these dreams. You get the life you deserve. It may sound harsh but it is true, what you are willing to put in you will get back. And THAT is the key, that I am willing. We are willing, to face whatever obstacles come at us in this beloved journey of life, receiving with open hands whatever the Universe has to offer us always and moving with intention and grace. Grateful of every every single thing. Just living in itself is a blessing to honor. So start there. Then watch as the rest starts to fall into place. You can have the life of your dreams!! You can have it!! It can be done. No matter what it is, what you want is right there in front of you, waiting for you to have the bravery to reach out and grab it.